Even Queers Can Be Broken
I've been dealing with an intense amount of heartache recently. Seems that a long distance 'lover' never considered himself as such. This is where you must be critically clear as a dominatrix.
Who are your lovers...and...
Who are your clients.
I have certainly been duped before. Looking back on the men I've engaged with over time (It's never women that do this, mostly men) I've seen where they skirt the line of paying me for my time and attempting to have a relationship with a sex worker. The truth of the matter is, it always comes out. THEY break up with ME usually and go back to their wives, their other lovers, their girlfriends who they promised knew about me.
I highly doubt it.
Such is the nature of trust as well. We want so badly to trust that the lover holding the carrot of love is telling us the sweet somethings we want to hear...and yes...they are actually sweet nothings. SomeTHING was never there...they just wanted free labor for NOthing.
Sex work is real work...please don't forget it.
Trouble with this lover is...he loves me. This one does. He admitted it. FINALLY after five years of calls, visits, fucking and traveling...he loves me. But then, yeah the whole partnership thing, long distance thing (we've been doing it for FIVE YEARS)...excuses to not actually call me what I am. His love.
...so then I'm back to what I always should have been...
Fuck. There are no checks that can be written for this kind of engagement.
This time...I broke it off with him. One of the hardest things I've ever done because it never was clear. I held him in such high regard in my heart, in my mind, in my body for so many years and the first time we fucked...we both agreed...it wasn't the first time we fucked. We danced together for hours before we ever touched, we loved each other without saying words and now...well sometimes the body gets in the way.
He doesn't want my masculinity. He doesn't want the gay boy...just the femme. Another thing about being a dominatrix. You pay me for the femme fantasy...but the boy...the boy is me. Guess I was really YOUR client after all, but the price of your love has become too much to bare. I'll take my open heart and close it down for a bit.
I'm only accepting new clients at the moment, I love my old ones, but they don't love me.