I arrived back in Salt Lake City on October 4th.
I had been on tour for six weeks through deep farmland and some of the most dangerous cities in the US. Each place our pop up circus crew of outcast theatre thespians stopped, a new adventure awaited.
There is something about tour that separates you from the world. It is almost as if you've reached a piece of Heaven and Hell at the same time. Our tour was on the street...no hallowed walls of capitalistic theatre history (Broadway) held this story. The unknown majesty of pure art on the street with no knowledge and safety net was our home. The faces of the crowd waiting without a ticket. We performers, falling into the Earth and Speaking to the open Sky...
Dreams are made of these things.
So are nightmares.
I had to memorize forty pages of script and was the voice of the show. I was on stage the most with a mic in hand the entire time. I wore RED western wear and heard my voice echoed off of mountain top houses (as in the theatre term) and empty glass warehouses (as in the Detroit term)...I was loud and headstrong.
Back to the wind and full throttle.
I had no time to be scared.
Just like I have no time to be heartbroken.
There is something about being born a wild thing in a captive environment.
In this case, Mormonism. You should never place a wild thing in captivity.
The nature of them requires freedom.
They will either escape...or die.
There are no other options.
Compromise would kill them faster.
I myself, am a wild horse. Raised by small town Mormon folk who were born and bred by the horse. I come from horse racers, horse trainers, horse BREAKers...
this is why I'm not scared.
The number of times my family, my lovers, the Mormons, Utah society, toxic community, ungrateful clients and heartless crowds have tried to break me would astound you.
A wild horse does not fear death because the wind is at their back and their face is full throttle. Strong as the heartbeat you can hear from across the ocean and with eyes that you can't see the end of. When a horse runs...it is with everything in them, but they are not scared.
To this day...My only fear is riding horses.
Not because I can't, but because I see myself in them.
These wild and untamable creatures.
I have learned to not be afraid of death through them.
Death is not to be feared.
Because when the time comes, I will have nothing to regret.
Such is my nature. Such is my love for the wild horse and my wild heart.
I don't mind so much being broken open, but if anyone tries to tame me, to BREAK me of my dreams, spirit and ambition it is death first. And there is more than one way to die. I myself have allowed versions of me to die because my spirit wouldn't allow me to compromise. I've learned to be unafraid because what is coming is freedom.
Freedom, the wild horse whispers...is worth dying for.
Artwork by Lilly Agar for "A Hug Away" debuting 2022 in Salt Lake City, UT
Follow their work on Instagram: @lillyagar