I was listening to a podcast from @snakeskin.tarot (Follow this creator...seriously) graciously sent to me from one of my darling Burlesque children this week. The podcast was on Temperance, but also took a deep dive into what Temperance is meant to bring out in us humans spinning here on planet Earth.
Temperance is that tricky thing between balance, patience and allowance that drives someone like me absolutely batshit crazy! Aren't I allowed to just demand and push and get what I desire all the time universe? Isn't that what Dommes do...or is that brats. XD
In either case, Temperance is a hard truth for this Salty Sinner to swallow because it requires me to do the thing I hate most in the world...It requires me to wait and more importantly...to integrate.
My most asked question while out of state is this..."Why Utah?"
I cannot explain it to people who do not understand the black hole vortex of shame, guilt, pain and trauma that is Utah...there are just some things that you can't run from y'know? Or in this case...can't move away from. It's deeper than a calling...these things are roots y'all and if you know...you fucking know. Utah isn't a place you choose...it's a place that chooses you. And herein comes Temperance again..."Why Utah, Why?"
Utah is the land of not only no, but "HECK NO." There is nothing that tries a human more than living in a state ridden by the church and limited by antiquated liquor as well as blue laws (not to mention riddled with blue balls!) Utah is "THE PLACE" that forces you to come to terms with the fact that sometimes winning...takes longer than it ever, ever, ever should and most days you're barely able to call it a draw. Utah...created me by its sheer abstraction of human desire, flaw and freedom. Utah is the land of salt for a reason because it draws out that which we cannot contain...
Our authenticity.
Utah creates some of the most incredibly wild humans due to the powerful underground and counterculture that thrives under the radar of the church. Where there is great control, there is also great resistance. Temperance again...it brings to the surface all those things that help us humans become more of ourselves. It is the integration of our pain, our sorrow and our eventual resistance that allows us to quite literally CHILL the FUCK OUT and find who we are...but first...first there is that death, those tears, that anger that vicious SALT that leaks from the pores of sinners in the valley waking up to the horrors of being raised in a cult. The salt is what draws us from our shells into our selves.
Okay...so not all of us are so resistant. Not all of us are so lucky (or unlucky) to wreak havoc on the systems of Mormon and conservative oppression...some of us just haven't been forced through to the other side yet...some of us haven't died (metaphorically) or cried enough to be SALTy.
And that's okay...because I've learned that sometimes it takes time to become authentic. Not just to who you think you're supposed to be, but who you know yourself to be. It takes Temperance and balance. I much prefer my fellows to stretch like a rubber band into their true selves instead of snap (quite literally sometimes) into monstrous versions of themselves (hard things to watch). But it does happen...both things happen. The stretching, the snapping, the awakenings...they all happen...in time. And here...in the valley of Salt...we marinate and come out different.
It's not sweetness that is drawn out of living here, but authenticity. "Why Utah?"
I don't know other than I know I couldn't be built this way in any other place. It's not safe to be different here in SLC, but it is that resilient SALT in my bones that makes me keep coming back and throwing punches anyway. I leave my home to learn and then come home to integrate that learning into a hungry community who wants to discover their own SALT in their bones. Craving a hunger deeper than resistance...the hunger for authentic living.
Now that's the sweetest thing of all.
